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Book Review:
“The Parent Care Conversation” by Dan Taylor
Long-term care for aging parents -- like it or not, this is an issue that many of us are facing and the rest of us will face in the not-too-distant future. With over 50 million Americans now age 65 and over, the difficult emotional and financial issues surrounding their care are facing households across the country.
Helping our parents plan for the next phase of their lives without making them feel like we’re taking over is our challenge; a challenge that we should handle with as much thought and discussion as possible.
Dan Taylor, a 20-year veteran of the financial services industry, an attorney, and president of his own advisory firm, shows us an intelligent way to deal with the emotional, practical, and financial challenges of caring for aging parents. Taylor has put together an excellent guide book, The Parent Care Conversation: Six Strategies for Transforming the Emotional and Financial Future of Your Aging Parents, in which he presents a system that he developed out of his own experiences in dealing with his father’s care. This system will aid children in opening up the doors of communication with their parents on key issues relating to their future care -- even those that are difficult to discuss -- by focusing on asking the right questions now in order to avoid confusion and conflict in the future from chaotic decision making.
No doubt even thinking about addressing long-term care issues with your parents sounds exhausting. As Taylor states: “Talking to the elderly about aging is a lot like talking to the poor about poverty; no matter how delicately we approach the subject, we run the risk of scaring, offending, or outright alienating them merely by bringing it up.” Consequently, initiating the parent care conversations is not a matter in deciding when these conversations should take place but how they should be held.
Taylor emphasizes that you must avoid the danger of coming across as intrusive by imposing your feelings and opinions on your parents. Instead, Taylor presents the parent care conversations in a way that is designed to open up the doors of communication between parents and children in order to arrive at a clear, mutual understanding of each one’s respective feelings about the issue of future care.
Written in a clear, upbeat, conversational style with true stories of real people, The Parent Care Conversation will certainly prove to be invaluable to those of us who have aging parents and who have never had the crucial conversations with them.
The Hike 2007
Part I
By Matthew Chope
As many of you know. I was hiking the Grand Canyon for the last 4 days. I drew up a wonderful 45 mile journey with three compadre’s. We hiked down Grand View Point on the South Rim with 40 pounds of supplies each. Not exactly sure, what was to lie ahead for the next few days? We set up camp each night and broke it down in early morning to get a cool start. Each day was a mystery, would we find enough water to have a hot meal, a flat place to lay our tents, etc. It was exhilarating. We saw sights of this beautiful masterpiece that most could only dream of. At one stretch we went 48 hours without seeing another human being through an area called cremation land. This stretch of land is also known as the ”Primitive Area”.
As we started down, we quickly realized this was different than last year! We were starting 200 feet higher. We ran into sheets of ice along a very steep trail. Picture a steep staircase with no steps but instead smooth ice with a significant drop off on one side. Note to self… the weather at the Rim (7436 feet above sea level) can be very cold in March. The first quarter mile was slick and probably more than any of us had planed for. I fell 5 times myself. Luckily not sliding too far! My excess bulk of food and camping equipment helped cushion the fall, however getting back up was interesting. Needless to say, it was quite a start to the hike.
I will bring mountain spikes next time to say the least.
Within the next 4 hours we hiked down around the west side of Horseshoe Mesa where we saw a few geology students from Prescott College on a caving expedition. As we told them about our tour they looked us over as to see if we were really ready for our path. I did not feel we received the green flag but they wished us well and then we started down to Cottonwood where we had a lunch consisting of pita and salami and cheese with hot Roman Noodle Soup. After lunch we moved forward onto Grapevine to set up camp and prepare for the desert night air. It was a 9 hour hike the first day - our decent was about 4000 feet. The most treacherous part of the excursion was completed.
Soon after the sun had passed below the western rim, we found our first night’s camp area it was like a mini paradise. We were so happy to see water, a slow trickle of H2O coming from the snow covered rim. Grapevine also had some nice sandy flat areas to place a few tents. What more could you ask for! Wow
As the sun set the moon began its climb and slow movement across the night sky. We witnessed a full moon and a group of bright nights. It was bright enough to hike by and if it where summer we might have - however it's winter in the desert and the temperature sinks into the 30's at night so we curled up in our warm tents and sleeping bags.
As we awoke, like we actually slept, Ha. We noticed that the moon had set and we had a dark sky filled with every star in existence. Then the sun began its rise and slowly black turned to blue with shads of faded white sun beams bursting across the crisp morning sky.
We gathered some water to make a hot oatmeal breakfast and packed up for the 12 mile hike planned for Monday. As we moved out, no one wanted to speak it, but the easiest way out was back where we came. In case anyone was to twist an ankle or worse.
But as we headed over the next big ridge looking across to the new canyon in our path and back again on our previous night’s paradise we felt a little sad, that such a wonderful experience had past and that we may never see this place again.
As we walked further, towards the edge of the south wall which stands 1200 feet over the mighty Colorado we felt the wind grow in intensity until gusts of 30 MPH hit us near the edge. We slowly creep closer, seeking a place to catch a glimpse of the mighty Colorado. We found an opening between what resembled shaved jagged quarry rocks each the size of a car. In our shelter, the wind seemed to be less intense. We could hear the massive Colorado below chewing up everything in its path. It was ferocious looking. We stopped to snack and refresh our souls.
Worth Magazine Q & A
Question: My parents have such Depression-era mentalities. Despite the significant wealth they created during their working years, they have a very hard time spending their money, even on things that could make their lives more manageable now that they’re in their 80s and struggling with health concerns. They draw down their portfolio at less than 2% and are still concerned about running out of money. How can we make them feel secure enough to make the most of these last years? Are there things they could do to feel like they’ve provided for us and that the rest can just be enjoyed?
Advice:
I understand and appreciate your parent's financial perspective. Your folks are by no means unique - this is a common phenomenon shared by many of their generation. I also know that their frugality can be trying on children who would love nothing more than to see their parents take advantage of some of life’s modern conveniences to improve the quality of their daily life.
I'd like to offer a couple of strategies that might be of help:
* You might try letting the numbers inspire mom and dad into additional spending. Certainly withdrawing less than 2% of their investment portfolio is considered a safe withdrawal rate at age 80; or age 60 for that matter. Recent professional studies in this area suggest that an amount three times as much is sustainable. Assuming that the "numbers" do not inspire mom and dad (numbers alone usually don’t), you might consider going back to Finance 101.
** Pay yourself first. My sense is that your parents adhered to one of the first tenants of building wealth AND peace of mind - pay yourself first. Most of us think of the pay yourself first strategy as only a means to accumulate personal wealth. Paying yourself first in the accumulation years also provides great peace of mind for people like your parents who appreciate financial and emotional security on a level most of us find difficult to understand. Now is also a time to use the pay yourself first strategy - just in reverse. Encourage mom and dad to increase their withdrawals to a conservative 4%. Moreover, consider having the 4% directly deposited into their main checking/bill paying account. Many times when the money is separated from the investment portfolio folks are more willing to actually spending it.
My impression is that your parents are fine stewards of the family finances and feel a strong sense of making sure that they leave their children significant assets. Continue to share that you, their children, will be just fine regardless of the wealth that they ultimately pass. We find that until we are able to inspire additional spending irrespective of the numbers - the current level will continue. Lastly, don’t expect a quick fix. Our experience suggests that there is a couple year period to become comfortable with any new spending plan. However, the pay yourself first strategy might just give them the comfort and confidence to spend some more of their resources providing peace of mind for the entire family.
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